she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
