You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
