Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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