I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
