until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
