I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
