I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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