I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
