at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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