we have pet lesbian snakes
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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