apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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