You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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