I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
