I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
