so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
