Please, let me fuck your mom
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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