Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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