We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
