I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
