Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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