sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
