If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
