Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
