Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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