i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
