I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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