My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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