in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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