NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
