I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
