oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
