I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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