do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm too high and old for this...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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