he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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