my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
