Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
