Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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