There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
