We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
