the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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