The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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