I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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