That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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