Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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