Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
