Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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