You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
