my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
