You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
