Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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