had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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