the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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