i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
