who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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