I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
