I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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