Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
