I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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